Self Improvement

I remember the day my life changed. I was only about 23-24 and I was reading a book about codependency, a book that was lent to me by someone who would become a good friend. I owe the author credit for every goal I accomplished since finishing that book. I also owe my dear friend a thousand thank you’s. That was the day I said screw it and admitted it to myself that I did not know anything, that all my previously held thoughts and notions were not original or unique to me. I had been covertly given a set of directions to live a life that was not mine. I invoked a personal tabula rasa and formatted my mental hard drive, discarding whatever I thought I knew, it was I had been hacked as a child.

italicsSometimes you to have to tear it down to build it back up. Sometimes remnants of the past find their way into the present, it is best to destroy them as they arise. The past always seeks attention; it doesn’t want to be forgotten. I realized it was best to learn from the past so you don’t repeat the same mistakes. We do define insanity as doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.italics

Why then, repeat the same cycle that doesn’t bring you happiness, all the while expecting it to bring you happiness. I broke the cycle. The cycle tried to break me. It told me I couldn’t do it and yelled at me “You Fool!… You think you’re special?” I didn’t have an answer, but that was okay because I was going to find one. I wanted to find the answer for everything, the key, the missing piece, that would answer everything else. I think I am looking for meaning. I am not sure what my meaning is, whether is it static or forever changing. All I know is that I seek it. That’s why I write, that’s why I read, that’s why I try to experience & learn – because, through active agency, I hope to find it.

My brother once told me that some people die at 25 but don’t get buried until they are 80. I think I was very closing to dying at 25, I hated where I was and felt trapped at the same time. I was in an awful and emotionally punishing relationship. Trying to grow in a job that didn’t want me to grow. Then looking for jobs that other people told me to look for. I had felt lied to. I thought Arts Degrees got you jobs? Or at least the opportunity for a decent job. I don’t mind waiting for it but I’d be long dead if I would have held my breath. I was dying because I wasn’t listening to myself. What is the point in living if you don’t live with agency? You are not alive if you live like a puppet. If you don’t consider yourself the puppeteer, the master of your domain, then you again have failed to live with agency. Death is being alive but not living, making getting buried a welcomed gift.

I rather live with agency then die someone else’s agent. My life is mine, to create and mold as I wish, to arrive at whatever final product I choose. That is the first answer. Unconditionally live your life as you wish, but do so in alignment with your best values and unconditionally choose not to live your life on someone else’s behest. This is the first lesson I learned. I learned it early, but you can learn it whenever you are willing to.